Tired of being tired

I've been having a bit of a tough time this last couple of weeks. I've been feeling myself slipping down again and starting to be very emotional and tetchy. Along with these feelings comes almost constant exhaustion.

I know this is not BRCA related, but I have been here a couple of times before and I'm starting to recognise the signs.

About three and a half years ago was the first time I felt like it. I was working 4 days a week as I had for about a year, previous to that I worked 3 days. I was doing this and running my family as most mothers do without any problems. Alex is away often because of his darts career so I'm often alone with the kids at the weekend and at this time he'd had a bout of being away for a few weekends on the trot.

I'd been feeling tired and emotional and not really able to explain it. It's hard to have something that people can't see as they don't tend to believe you. Being in your early thirties and physically exhausted is a bit weird. I carried on as normal, but was feeling worse daily. I reached the point of begging Alex not to go as I felt so unwell, but I guess he thought I was exaggerating as he went anyway.

Sometime over that weekend I broke. I was trying to do everything that the kids needed, but even making a simple dinner was taking me hours as I couldn't concentrate on a single task. I still remember to this day the pasta bake which should have been ready in 40 minutes, but for some reason took 3 hours and was still wrong. I snapped, I was sobbing and totally unable to control myself. I'm sure my kids must have thought I was nuts. I called Alex, hysterical, it was only dinner, but felt like the end of the world. I felt like the whole world had collapsed around me.


He sent his mum over to help me, but being the stubborn independent freak that I am, I rejected all forms of help offered and was probably incredibly rude, although I cant really remember the rest of that night much now, only that I was wrapping Reggie's presents and blowing up balloons at midnight ready for his birthday the next morning.

I saw my GP and was told I was depressed. What? I had nothing to be depressed about, it didn't make sense. I went back again a few days later, she wrote me off work and told me to relax. I felt crap, my eyes were swollen, I was piling on weight even though I wasn't hardly eating anything. I went back a third time and saw a locum as my GP was away. She took one look at me and sent me to the hospital for blood tests, asking me to come back in a week for the results. Later that afternoon, I was called to go back and see her. The hospital had phoned and told her to get me back there immediately. I had a thyroid problem.

The hormones secreted by your thyroid gland are called thyroxine (T4) and triiodothyronine (T3). Together, these hormones control the speed at which your body burns energy and how quickly reactions happen in your body. To test the levels of these hormones in your body, your doctor looks at the FT4 level and FT3 levels in your blood. FT refers to the amount of free thyroxine (FT4) or free triiodothyronine (FT3) hormones in your bloodstream. The usual range for FT4 is between 9.0 and 25pmol/L, for FT3 this is 3.5 to 7.8pmol/L.

My FT4 was only 4. I had an underactive thryoid gland, or hypothyroidism that's why I was falling apart, I wasn't depressed at all!

Apparently this is an hereditary condition too, something other than BRCA2 waiting to ping into effect whenever it feels like it. I've since discovered that both my maternal and paternal Grandmothers have it, I didn't stand much of a chance. It can also be brought on by stress, or from an auto immune disease.

Because of this I have to take medication for life (thyroxine). It's not a hardship, 2 tiny tablets a day and i feel pretty much normal. I have to be checked every 6 months to make sure that the medication is replacing enough of the hormones to keep me going. There is an issue of how much thyroxine to take. Too little and I cant function, too much and even though I feel better, they say it's not good for you, so they try to keep you on the lowest levels that keep FT4 between 9 and 25. That's a big range!

So every now and then, I start to feel bad again. It happens when I try to do what any normal person would find reasonable on a daily basis. Over the last six weeks or so I've been childminding my lovely nephew 3 days a week. I've really been enjoying having him and he's fitted in well to our family routine. I've also had a lot to do for the kids at the weekends, running around from one lesson to another, to tournaments, family parties etc.

Well my body is screaming enough! I've had to tell my sister that I'm only going to be able to have him one day a week. I'm so disappointed and so furious with myself for being so fucking useless! I'm so tired, I'm asleep on the sofa by about 8pm every night. I know I have to take a step back, but I really resent it.

I'm going to see the doctor next week and get my blood tested again, I'm so sick of having a small limited amount of energy to use for the day. Once it's gone, I can't do anything else. The exhaustion is so huge I can taste it, which is bizarre, but true. It makes me feel sick, like I'm going to fall down wherever I stand.

I haven't had enough brainpower to think anymore about my boobs, just remembering daily things for the kids is taking it all up. I feel like I'm 96, not 36.