180 flip

It's been a little while again since I've updated here. It's funny how the need to get my thoughts out is less as the process goes along and real life takes the wheel.

Lots has gone on in the real world since last time. I've been sorting out schools with Reggie. He goes to secondary school next September, so we've been visiting schools and he's made his choices, plus taken the relevant tests to give him as many chances as possible of getting the one that he wants.

I've also been able to see what it's like to experience this BRCA Journey from the other side. My Auntie has the same gene mutation and decided to follow the same path as me. She had the exact same surgery, same place, same surgeon (actually she had 2!), almost a year to the day that I had mine done.

I found it far more scary on the outside looking in. To be the one at home waiting, calling the hospital every hour after the time that they said she'd be out to see if everything was OK. It was a horrible time. I know now what my poor husband felt like waiting for me to come out. Especially as I was in there for 9 hours!

She didn't go down to surgery until late in the evening, even with 2 surgeons working on her, it was past 11pm before she was back on the ward and the Sister told me that she was OK. I barely breathed until then. I thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest when my mobile rang at 2.30am. I thought it was the hospital calling to say something was wrong! How amazing to find that it was actually her, sitting up in bed having a cup of tea and a biscuit, chatting to me like nothing had happened.

I must say that she is truly remarkable (love you Jayney). It's been 4 weeks today since her operation and she's doing so amazingly well. Her range of movement is fantastic, far better than mine was at that stage. It's really quite surreal to see it all from the other side, to accompany her to the hospital for check ups, to see her scars and her bravery. Someone told me tonight that I'm incredible, well I think that any woman who faces this journey head on is pretty damn incredible, it's not just me!

So since my last post, I've had a complete 180 degree flip on the decision that I made then about nipple reconstruction. So what changed my mind? Well actually it was the very thing that I was going to do. A BRCA friend of mine sent me a link from an American tattooist who does a lot of work on post mastectomy women. One lady in particular had decided to have tattoos instead of nipples, much as I'd decided to. She'd had a series of flowers done, building up to what eventually looked like she was wearing the cups of a bra (you can view them here).

While I still think that they look OK, it made me realise in an instant that I don't want to look that way. I just want to look "normal" again, or at least as normal as is possible. Just like that, no questions. I just need to suck it up and get over my fear of this small part of the journey that will leave my breasts finished.

I've made another appointment with my surgeon for 7th January and this time I intend to keep it.